I've gotten the first feedback on the script. Cathy (good friend and writing buddy) had a ton of questions and responses to the draft. She really did a deep read, which is what I needed.
Two of the biggest issues from what she brought up:
1) None of the women are strong, positive characters.
Ouch. I really didn't like to hear that. I definitely see a number of female characters as strong and positive, even if they are smaller parts (Randy most noteworthy, but also Maryam and the Tattoo Waitress in NYC). But I take this type of feedback very seriously and am considering making Mo a woman. I think the idea of a woman named Mohammad would be fantastic and the extra possible sexual tension with Mary could be fun and add a new charged dimension to their relationship.
2) She didn't understand what was in-world and what was not.
Double ouch. The whole damn movie is supposed to be in-world. Definitely gotta clear this up or the audience won't know which end is up. This can easily be too clunky and obvious -- that's why I kept it so subtle to begin with. But if it's too subtle and unclear that he's in-world 100% of the time, then I need to clarify.
Options:
- Add in something to the VO at the beginning. That was part of the purpose of the first VO: to let the audience know he's awaking in-world. Clearly the VO doesn't do that well enough.
- Add in a scene. Idea: have the first scene with the VO be in the "real" world as he's getting onto the couch and logging in. I really don't want any scenes in the non-VR world if possible. Lots of issues with this one.
- Add in a line or two about this. Maybe in the scene at the orientation? Have someone say "today you woke in-world for the first time -- we're in-world now blah blah". It might work best this way.
We'll see. More feedback from others soon hopefully.
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